Sonic Unleashed: The Final Report
by The Sky Hedgehogian Maestro
Summary: Sonic, Tails, angry Knuckles, chronic Sonic hater Blaze, and a host of super secret special guests reviews everyone's favorite game: Sonic The Hedgehog: Twilight Princes- er, Sonic Unleashed. WARNING.


**Sonic Unleashed Review**

_**S**_**uper**

_**O**_**llie**

_**N**_**icks**

_**I**_**da's**

_**C**_**ar**

"Super...Ollie nicks Ida's...car.. W-what?" X marks the spot, hedgehog. Spell out the word the first letter in each word. It takes Sonic a good second or two. "_**O H ! ! ! ! ! ! !**_ That explains a _whole _lot!" Really, foo'!? Damn, yo' ass is slow. "Well excuse me for not being the fastest thing alive. _Oh wait, I am_." Shut up.

With your hosts...

**Sonic!**

"_Hey!"_

**Tails!**

"_Hi there!"_

**Knuckles!**

"_Yo!"_

NOPE. NO NEW CHARACTERS. BWAHAHA, JUST KIDDING.

**Blaze!**

"_Phantom waffle?!_"

Kid Silver would have joined us, but apparently, he's got some business involving The Raksha, Tzatziki Bongwater, and Cheezewhiz at Kawaii High.

_Special Guest: Mario!_

_Special Guest #2: Shadow!_

_Plus, a super secret Special Guest!_

_Also, another super secret Special Guest!_

_After that, another super secret Special Guest!_

_Once that is done, we'll present to you another super secret Special Guest!_

_Then, we'll add two more super secret Special Guests!_

_Even if that doesn't pan out and in fact receives overwhelmingly negative reviews, we'll even bring to you, *drumroll*, another super secret Special Guest! _

_Despite desperate pleas for no more new Special Guests and all former super secret Special Guests to rot and die so we can get back to our roots, guess what! We are going to add... did you guess it? Another super secret Special Guest! _

_And after that, we'll introduce a SUPER super secret Special Guest!_

_Then, right when you thought we weren't going to add any more super secret Special Guests and were going to rely on our original hosts and only a few Special Guest appearances here and there, we're going to blow your mind with SIX- count'em- SIX HYPER SUPER super secret Special Guests!_

"_BOOOOOOO!"_ the fake crowd boos, armed with pitchforks, torches, molotovs, and social-networking. This time around, Shadow is sitting behind the velvet red curtain _before_ the slapstick randomness begins, but he's still ranting, raving, raging against the machine. To make up for this folly on the part of the people who are the ethereal voice of reason, the curtain is thin enough to see through.

_Or..._ _Just two..special guests._

"Why am I a part of _this_ review?!" Blaze whines. "I wasn't even in the damn game!"

"One, so wasn't Knuckles. Two, you get something of a cameo. Everyone does," Tails then says in his usual 'I'm so much smarter than you, but I'm also so much nicer than you' manner. Also infused with that is his 'I'm Sonic's Only True Friend, So Ya Betta Smack Off Afore Ah Put Mah Fist Cross Yo Cheek" tone.

"Don't mention those traffic signs, you yellow fool. Don't. I don't want _any_ part of _any_ of this."

"I really don't think you have much of a choice, Blaze-ken." Blaze-ken was said, and only Sonic says Blaze-ken, so figure it goddamn out who said that.

**Nor does anyone in this room.**

"Yeah, when you're famous," Tails begins with Sonic's trademark smirk, thumbs up, and wink, "you gotta do stuff like this, whether you want to or not." Sonic gives him a McNasty look.

"Don't jack m'stuff, bro." That was Tails's first, second, and third warning. Oh, and I was being literally literal. "Don't jack m'stuff, bro! DON'T JACK M'STUFF BRO!" The two get all up in each others faces, laying the smack down, like Maury Povich with added steroids. Tails throws down his chair. Taser squads are brought in.

"Please...please, can I just-"

"Nope," the Sky Hedgehogian Tenor quickly says. "That same SEGA official from before is endorsing us to do _this _review, and he... _**expects **_it to be _positive _this time. That means- _no b****ing, Blaze._"

"I will never agree to that. I'm not lying about my feelings about these games. Ever. Period. End of discussion." Effing hypocrite! Yeah, totally ignore a character trait. Hypocrite. Wait, no, you have a political title, doncha- you're a _hypocrat._ That's right. Freakin' hypocrat. It's a god damn hypocracy in here. The lefties' friggin' beatin' the righties. "You're prone to taking things too far. I, on the other hand, know when to-"

"E**nough fruggin' chit-chat**. Start the damn-ass review already," Knuckles groans. What's with the un-formatted 'E' in 'enough'? _Ouch!_ The hell are you doing!

**Sonic Unleashed**

In this epic, high-speed follow up to the 2006 best seller, _Sonic the Hedgehog_, follow Sonic the Hedgehog and his new friend, Chip, as he embarks on his greatest adventure ever against his always-devious arch-enemy, Dr. Eggman. The Earth has been shattered in 7 pieces, releasing a long dormant beast known as Dark Gaia, and only Sonic and his mysterious new friend, Chip, can stop it from spreading its darkness across the whole world! But this time, there's a twist- after getting a zap from one of Eggman's machines and absorbing some of the darkness of Dark Gaia within himself, at night, Sonic undergoes a mysterious transformation that turns him into the incredibly powerful Sonic the Werehog! Can Sonic return himself to normal and stop Eggman and Dark Gaia before it's too late? Or has the hedgehog met his match?

"...Wow..." Tails says. "I...I kinda can't believe you wrote a serious blurb!"

"We were all shocked last time as well," Blaze replies. Tails gives her a slightly curious look.

"Wait, you did this before?"

"Yes, for Sonic the Craptastic Disaster."

"_And __**you **__actually held out through it?_"

"Just barely."

***Holding throbbing head* As Knux has said- Enough chit chat! What do you think of the opening?**

"The opening, eh? Well," Sonic begins, "judging by the fact the first thing we see is pretty much Super Me, I think that was supposed to be an indicator that Sega was coming from a new direction. They heard the complaints that Super Sonic shouldn't be locked to the last story and everyone got punk'd when they saw that opening cut scene and thought Super Me was unlockable in-game," Sonic states. "Because Super Sonic isn't even close to being in the main game." You know, that was kind of confusing. For a minute there, it sounded as if Sonic was praising Sonic Unleashed when that wasn't actually what he was doi- *gunshot* .

**Never explain the joke.**

"It all looked sleek, Pixar-quality, and cool, but then again, so did Sonic'06's opener," Knuckles then says. "_Eeeveryone_ should'a known not to get their hopes up over some good looking CG intro."

"You did an awesome job, Sonic! What was it like up there in space anyway?" Tails sawders like a Japanese wopchongo anime school girl.

"As Super Sonic, awesome. As just regular ol' me, I kept choking and all the water in my skin kept boiling for some reason. Perhaps because it's _**space**__._ _**Damn**_, Tails. _**F**k.**_" What, uh... What?

**Blaze?**

The royal cat sighs. "Oh alright. Well, it's better than Crapfest'06, so I guess I play along - for now. Uh... It looks fine?"

**Alright, alright- on to the game. Meh...just skip theh...n'... move it here and...aaaaaand.. THERE. Sonic. What do you think of Chip?**

"Well, I have to admit, the little guy was kinda cute, but there's no denying that Sega was trying too hard. Chip acted and sounded nothing like how they presented him in the game."

**Really?**

"Really. I had to put up with him for, like, fifty-odd days. Yes. As for being a Sonic character, Sega took all the complaints of the modern Sonic add-on characters and, despite all those pleas to just keep it to me, Tails, and Buttnik, thought it good to go ahead and _create a new character _(some snickers wade in from the audience)that did half of everything the fans didn't want him to do and didn't do everything else. It's like they kinda ignored all the cries for a classic character or just Sola Me-ica. I'd call Chip 'Neo-Classic', but not 'Classic' outright. Sega really did just too many things to ruin what would have been a surefire character. Last time, we complained Sega never went the full nine yards. In this case, Sega went twenty in the wrong direction."

Blaze immediately picks up where Sonic leaves off. "Here's what I think Sega was thinking when they created Chip- 'A lot of the fans don't like those new characters. They keep screaming 'No more! No more! Kick them all out. Keep only the classics!' I really don't know why. But don't worry, I have a plan! Let's add some more!'"

"Uh...huh," comes from Tails. "Actually, Blaze, I think they _were _trying to create a new character that would reach more to the kids. No matter which way you slice it, every character introduced since 1998, save Cream, were not really directed at kids and that might be why those games were, uh, a _leetle_ 'darker' or older than an average Sonic game."

"No, those games sucked just because."

"You can tell that Sega was trying too hard with Chip," says Sonic. "That may have been part of the problem. Some fans just wanted a good ol' 'venture with just me and Tails here against Eggman- they didn't _really_ hate the noobs. Others probably felt offended by Chip because he _was _styled as a classic character instead of being, you know, his own, _and _he pulled a Chris. Yeah, he needed to be someone kids could latch on to. Instead, he would up becoming a more annoying character than Charmy who Sega tried pushing on as, like, my _**bestest friend ever**_. Now you've P'ed off all classics who want Tails to be my, and think he is my, only true friend, you PO'ed all the people who think Sega learned from their mistakes by creating a second Chris Thorndyke, and you've pissed O'd all the fans who want a game where Tails and I bond for once instead of getting wedged and sidelined by fifty new zero-dimensional friends that I have to pretend to like. Like I said, instead of creating Neo-Classic characters, just use the old ones, because guess what- even the most classic of new characters is still a new character."

**There's a line in The World Ends With You that almost seems directed **_**at **_**the Sonic franchise actually. "When all someone offers is something different, you get hungry for the familiar. It's comforting." Or... something like that. The moment I read that, and all the times since, I immediately thought of the Sonic franchise. **

"A good back up line would be, 'If all someone offers is something familiar, you get hungry from something different'," Sonic adds. "I'm sure that if Sega and Me Team just made it me and Tails for a good n' solid ten years, everyone would start b****ing about changing it back. Sooner or later. I couldn't handle just Tails for ten years. Yeah, he's my best bud forever and all, but even I'd need more people to talk to than that!"

"Nope. Every game with new characters will always suck." Blaze is as stuck as a mountain on that issue.

"NO. Idiots," Knuckles suddenly screams. "The whole motherFFF**KING reason the new characters were hated was because ten f***ing thousand of them were in _**every **_godDAMN game for the longest time, and those games failed, f***ing failed. Critics blamed them, not their gameplay styles and the camera and controls and s*** and they got f***ing blasted from 360 degrees. After Unleashed, and then Colors, people realized the f***ing new characters weren't the f***ing problem 'CUZ THERE WASN'T ANY F***ING NEW CHARACTERS IN THAT F***ING GAME. And it STILL f***ing sucked. But they couldn't F***ING let it go, and, like those F***ING STAR TREK TURBO NERDS, they still blamed the incredible new freaks!"

**That'll be enough f**king, please, thank you.**

"Whatever you say, knucklehead," Blaze retorts with a steep brow. Knuckles jumps off of his stool and gets all_**UP**_ in Blaze's face, just layin' _**down**_da smack to her like nobody's f'ing business, like, like how a pimp slaps down his hoes.

"WHAT. WHAT. YOU THINK I'M DUMB?! ******." What comes next forces Knuckles to rethink Blaze's upper body strength, considering how flat her fist made Knuckles's stomach, and how much blood came from his mouth.

"Sit down, Knuckl-" Sonic ******* tries. ***** He receives a punch ****** to the temple. ***** He jumps up in response. ******. *****. ********. ******. Then comes some flying fists.

"F*** YOU." Blood is trickling from Knuckles's ***** mouth. Sonic***** tackles Knuckles, ****** Blaze ******, pummeled, and blood trickling from her ***** mouth as well, halves Knuckles in the stomach with a conveniently placed bat, and ******* t*****h******e crowd *******(punch)****** goes ****** wi ***** ld. ********. *******. Sonic has ***** blood forking at his nose, ****** his forehead ******bashed 'til red. Knuckles, already ***** torn to shreds by ****** Blaze ***** goes nuclear war on ******* everyone. He ****** picks up his chair and ***** * ******* ******* ******** ****** ********* ******* smacks it across the back of Sonic and Blaze's heads. Behind the ********* curtains, Shadow visibly peeks out, understandably nosy about the ruckus. ******.

"Uh, Sky? I **** think we're ****** having a ****** Jerry ****** Springer moment here," Tails politely ******* informs as Sonic goes flying into a wall, ****** rip ****** ping through it like a well-thrown rock through a wet piece of paper. Bad ****** imagery, I ***** know. ******

**Um... **_**Chip?**_

"Oh, that little dude. Almost forgot about him." And like that, all of the mindless cursing and bleeps come to a complete stop as Sonic, Blaze, and Knuckles- all bloodier than Christ- act like good little Christian school children, put down their broken stools, and have their seats. Ah, I feel so good using Christian metaphors. Happy now, Christian Hendrikson the Christian?!

**Y'know what, never mind. Just move on to the gameplay.**

"Ah, the opening level..." Sonic sighs with a grin. "Good times..."

"The first Apotos level gave me some eyegasms," Knuckles says, calmed down. "Eggmanland, even though we're not there yet, is what a Sonic game should be like. Minus the Werehog."

"Like I said in the Sonic'06 review, if the stages in the Disaster looked like that, the game might not have bombed."- Blaze.

**Graph**

"As much," Blaze adds on.

**Graphics**

"Here's a good challenge for Sega- a one zone download. Maybe just one act. But make it as photo realistic as physically possible. Like you spent weeks working on it. Months even. Heck, make it a year," Blaze challenges. "Who knows! Sonic just might win some new fans and some awards for 'best graphics' or something. It looks as good as an HD movie on Blu-ray or 3D."

"I'll make it!" Tails accepts. "But only if you're a part of it."

"A part of making it? Yeah I'll do _tha-_"

"No, you cameo in i-".

"I call off the challenge. Forever. Don't even waste your time."

**I really don't think anyone at Sega- or anywhere- would have wasted their time with something that pointless. At least, not on today's graphics cards. I'd give it until mid 2014, maybe 2015 when we might start seein' 8192 res graphics in games. As if Sonic would even**_** be**_** the first to have a game with such graphics- you **_**know**_** it'll probably be Halo, Call of Duty, Assassin's Creed, or some new "mature" game franchise. Besides, I still wouldn't want to play as **_**your**_** funky ass in whatever they have out then.**

"Me neither!" Blaze replies. "Just get rid of me now so I can start enjoying Sonic games again!"

Then Knuckles goes off again. "Really, who still plays Sonic games? No matter which way you look at it, Sonic's just a talking, super sonic hedgehog that fights an egg-shaped madman. You can make him a character in Grand Thef- what are they up to, _Grand Theft Auto __**5**_?"

**I think 5's coming in a few months.**

"**-**Kids _still _wouldn't call his dumb ass cool."

"_**Who YOU callin' a dumbass, dumbass?!**__"_ ******** ******* ******* Sonic drives his fist into Knuckles's face in an absolutely _breathtaking _punch, a right hook for the record books. *************** ********

**Yeah, this is going to go on for a little while. Don't worry about Sonic Unleashed, since, you know, this chapter, like, **_**totally**_** isn't about it n' stuff!**

**In the meantime, enjoy this little lit-biscuit about Sonic'06.**

* * *

Sonic'06: Declassified

They were having a bad enough day as it was.

"Please!" Tails begs. "I don't want to be in this game!" He's on his knees, his hands clasped together.

The game director shakes his head. "No, you have to be in! You're Sonic's best friend, his main compadre, his biggest amigo!" He shakes his leg, throwing the desperate Tails off. "Hmm... _Amigo..._"

"I-I-I-I'll give you my paycheck! And next year's! All five cents!" he pleads.

"This isn't fair!" Rouge shouts, fingers clutching her script so tightly, they're almost ripping though the paper. "You're telling me we only have until _August_ to pull this off? Are you **high!?**"

It is July. July. July 31st.

"Well, there's nothing I can do. People keep jackin' all my best designers, so I got stuck with the 'meh' crowd. For all I know, someone's going to come in today and 'request' the last 3 people still working on this game."

"We weren't even finished writing the script yet!" Sonic complains. "We haven't even written the title, or the-the-the concept! Can't I just take a break?"

"No. You're the star!" the director assures.

"That's right, Sonic. It is _your_ game. I... I think," Knuckles adds.

"At this point, I ain't sure who's the star! Me, Linkin Park the Hedgehog over there, or that... that prissy white guy who keeps staring at Tails's and Vector's asses. Venice, or whatever his gay name is."

"Right now, I think it's Psycho, but they're gonna change it again. Just watch," replies Knuckles.

"That's the five-thousandth, two-hundredth, seventy-ninth time this week! One short of a mile! H-have they even made _any _of this game yet?!" Sonic cries.

"Well, they showed off some footage at E3 last year," Shadow replies, coming in from near the snack dispenser, chomping on those delectable _ARK Bytes _candy pieces. "Whether or not that was fake, I don't know. Prob'bly was."

"Are you sure I can't get a stunt double?!" Tails moans. The game director checks a clipboard.

"Nope. Although _Blaze,_ if _she_ doesn't want to be in this game, she doesn't have to."

"_**WHOOOOAAA! HOLD UP! HOLD UP! WHOA WHOA STOP!**_" cries a cacophony of anguished and outraged voices.

"BLAZE? _That pampered__** bitch?!**_" Knuckles explodes. "She's been here for the least time of _all _of us! Sh-" He promptly remembers Silver-er, Venice, er Psycho, who is trying to squeeze his 'cheeks', prompting the echidna to hop to the side- on the other side of the room. "She needs to suffer with us!"

"_Yeees_, but her popularity is soaring like a rocket. She passed all first year expectations. We actually had enough money to build a Blaze robot, and we can use that in the game instead of the real thing." Commence eye-twitching.

"DUDE. People like Binsoncreamydiarrhea McFleabucket, McTails, Rosy-ass, and me have been here since the early NINETIES! Her boat just came in _last year_. The hell do you have a robot of _her_ for?!" Knuckles screams. "The f*** is she, like number 50? The_ fiftieth_ new character?"

"As I said, her first year popularity was much, much higher than expected. She's already, last I checked, number 27 in the polls, right behind Witchcart and in front of Bodaru. Not bad for a character who has _solely_ been seen on a single handheld console game."

"And I'm what, number _**TWO?!**_" Oh hell yes you are, Knuckles, in my eyes... "I call bull S***! You're fraggin' me, telling me, spittin' in mah _muhf***in' __**face **_that-that some dull-ass, ugly-ass unnecessary mary sue piece a' sh*t from Fan-f-f-fanfiction dot net!-" Knuckles is about to bust an ass vein. "This is insanity... This is _MADNESS!_"

For some reason, everyone looks to Eggman, expecting him to create some sort of new Internet meme to annoy all who would have otherwise enjoyed le interwebs. Something, perhaps, rhyming with 'dingus', 'lingus', or if more meme conservative, 'marta'...'carta'...

A smiling and eager Blaze, still happy to be alive, walks in and begins to wave when Knuckles delivers a beautiful, breathtaking, _yadayadayadayada_ punch to her face. The cat goes flying to the floor, as limp as a sack of rocks. Her eye is already beginning to purple up.

"Well now we _have_ to use the robot!"

"Nice going, ass cheese!" Kid Silver sighs, slapping the back of Knuckles's head.

"What the hell?!" Everyone cries as they see a glitch in reality named Kid Silver.

"Oh. Wait. Not supposed to be here? My bad!"

* * *

***Prof. Farnsworth Voice* Good news, everyone! The mindless stupidity has ended!**

"So, where were we?" Sonic asks, woundless.

**For now. No, we were talking about graphics.**

"Oh!"

"On the subject of graphics," Tails begins, "why did the human models look so _ugly?_"

"They were supposed to look like cartoons, you know?" Sonic reminds him. "Really, Tails, is your ADD so bad-"

"What ADD?" he mutters under his breath. "Sonic, are you sniffing coke again?"

"-That you can't even remember a sentence from 43 minutes ago?"

"Um... no, I-I...wasn't implying tha-"

"**Do** I really need to start feeding you and changing your diaper again?"

**I'd rather you not. Graphics?**

"Well, I know why the models looks so ugly..." Sonic throws Tails an Adventure-Time scrunchy angry troll face stare with his arms folded. "But why? Really?"

"Sonic Team was tryin' to make the game brighter. All the classic pricks were screaming that the franchise went off the rails and wanted it to look like a cartoon again."

"See, Sonic? You could learn a-"

"They were also righteously demanding that people like me FGTO...uh, wait, howzit go again... Oh! GTFO," adds Blaze.

"...You could learn a thing or two about manners from Knuckles," Tails humiliates, prompting a pie in his face.

"Wh-..Where'd I even get a vanilla cream pie, and why'd I just waste it on your face?" Sonic flatly asks.

**Sigh.**

"Oh, oh, right. So, how many more eyegasms did we get from the game?" Sonic asks his troupe.

"We-"

"Y'know, thinkin' about it, Me 2K6 wasn't really all too _bad_," -Blaze already has rolled her eyes-, "it was just a huge let down. Me and the Black Knight was _way_ worse, but no one is preaching that _it_ tore down mah franchise."

"Whatever," Blaze snobbishly retorts under her breath.

"Damn, just shut up!"

**OK, OK. Better idea. Howz about I just let **_**you**_** guys play the damn game, since all of you have American Attention Span Syndrome, and you write me an 85,000 word report on it!**

"_I_ don't have AASS," =chuckles=, "Mr. Sky Hedgehogian Asshole, I just have to deal with _these_ modern-loving idiots," bluntly puts Blaze.

**I **_**know**__**you**_** don't have AASS, Blaze. **

"Nah, I wouldn't do it the first time around," Sonic says, hand raised to signal that he'd pass. "They had to drug me to get me to play it, since my brain was still in need of repair after being forced to play Me'06." That's how Sonic got re-addicted to hard coke. He was doing fine for about 3 days.

"Count me out," Knuckles agrees.

"Me too," finishes Tails.

**Then stay the f*** on topic.**

"Eyegasms?" Sonic then rhetorically asks, raising a hand, Sonic Chronicles-styled.

"Well. At night, I had some," Tails admits, rubbing the back of his neck, "especially after I beat it."

"Same here," Knuckles adds.

"It was hard without a second person, but it really felt so awesome and satisfying! Even more when you lose it and go ape."

"Yup."

"Still, Sega could've streamlined the Werehog game play just a _little_, _insy, winsy_ bit."

"Wait, who coulda what now?"

"We were talking about the eye candy that is Sonic Unleashed, especially at night," Tails reminds.

"..._Yeah._ That's _totally_ what I was thinking about. Yyyep! Totally didn't confuse eyegasm for-"

"Knuckles, shut the hell," Sonic bluntly says in a fragment.

**If another outburst like that happens, I'ma shuttin' down tha review.**

"Well, let's move on to... the Daytime Stages!"

**STAR WARS THEME**

_SFX: Crowd cheering._ _The crowd extends for miles, pushing beyond the border, extending beyond race, gender, social class, species, and even life._

"The one part of the game I actually like," morosely sighs Blaze morosely in a morose tone that is somehow slightly tinted tan 'till it tastes too telling like tonic, but also velvety and enchanting, without-

After taking a sip of some well-placed root beer, Sonic then says, "I swallowed-

-642 birds

-70249 mosquitos

-342 wedding rings

-598,431 divorce papers

-56 pencils

-8 hedgehogs

-1 car

-73 pebbles

-2 pebbles-"

"Wait, you already said that," Tails points out. Sonic flags him down.

"My bad. Hold on...

-73 _Fruity Pebbles. Part of a balanced, nutritious breakfast!_" To the back-head slap from Knuckles. And some added muscle men knuckle down on the group before mindless stupidity has a chance- OH CRAP. "YOU ****** FOOL! *****************"  
"Oh, oh, and who's the *********** fool who *********** dropped his ass on a fairy dog, **********?!" ********* ******** ****

"This is never going to ****** end, is it?" Tails ******** says with an added ******* sigh. Blaze and Shadow make the ******** choice to stay ********* out of this ********, but still ******** gets some hard ********* blows to their heads by **Sonic** and have no ********* choice but to ******* **unleash ** some heavy duty ********** shit.

Ok. Ok. Look, we're going to take a break. When we come back, preferably with shock collars and holy men bearing iron whips, we will continue with the review of Sonic Unleashed, so take some time to go ahead and review me there and maybe click that 'Favorite' button, whydoncha, or- if you're that daring- contribute to this psychosadomasochistic talk show by just not getting involved at all.

* * *

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

* * *

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